Time Takes Time, You Know

And, in less emotional and dramatic news, I love The Black Keys. Everything they do makes me want to be their BFF- which I realize is kind of creepy, but somehow I feel like since we’re all from NE Ohio, that should count for something. Their music videos are pretty much always ridiculous, but this one is out of control. Plus, the song is rad. And they won two Grammys! You should watch this.

Listening to this song today reminds me of how thankful I am to love and be loved by so many people in my life. I’ve never been a fan of uber-commercial Valentine’s Day, even in the past 5 years of actually being in a relationship, but I can take the opportunity to remind myself how lucky I am to have the family, friends, and boyfriend who are helping me get through this year of adjustments.

Back in DC.

I need to let go of this weird resentment. I wanted him to be happy and enjoy his last year of college even though we’re living several states apart this year. Just because I’ve been lonely and miserable for most of our separation doesn’t mean I get to feel sorry for myself and resentful of him enjoying time with other people. Breathe. Breathe. It’s a new year and I need a new attitude. Virginia is already sunnier than Ohio in the winter, and I’m hoping for a less S.A.D. winter than usual.

I can find ways to be happy.

My boyfriend is a Pearl Jam devotee. I do enjoy a lot of Pearl Jam’s stuff, but I have to be in a 90’s grunge mood to really get into it. However, Eddie’s solo stuff from the “Into the Wild” soundtrack, which Ben just forced upon me last week, is right up my alley. I’m all about the sad acoustic stuff. Because this quantitative analysis paper is due tomorrow, and it makes me consider running off into the wild myself, I’m finding this fabulously beautiful song, “Guaranteed”, to be good rainy day paper-writing music.

“Fired” by Ben Folds is the only way I’m going to stay awake today. Had major insomnia issues last night, and a night full of paper-writing and presentation prep is forecasting another late night tonight. Dear grad school: I hate you.

As a side note, this song has one of the top two best/most melodic uses of “motherfucker” in any song, in my opinion.

“The Rose Captain”- Sea Wolf.

I need this song today because it’s very relaxing. And I am very irritated/filled with rage. I embarked upon Project Not Depressed today by getting back into my running schedule, and was looking forward to receiving an order of books in the mail today to complete the good day. Unfortunately, the order that arrived was clearly falsely advertised and I only got the 3 book set instead of 8. That in itself would be minorly irritating, but A) I waited forever for shipping, B) I think I have to pay return shipping for their fuck-up and C) The set is sealed in plastic so I can’t even break one out to read it, because then the order won’t get fully refunded. Also, I had a stressful week.

But I really like Sea Wolf. And I’m just going to listen to Leaves in the River on repeat tonight. Serenity now.

**Addendum: I should refrain from angry posts. I sound barely literate here.

Elliott Smith covers Paul McCartney’s “For No One”. Hauntingly beautiful soundtrack to my lonely day today.

Lest I seem too depressing, here’s a wonderfully upbeat song about people who hate their lives…but, seriously, I adore Spring Awakening and despite the content of this song, it makes me very happy to listen to it.

Trying to be a robot.

I’ll admit that I usually like to vent about things that are bothering me. Airing it out to my mom, sisters, or a good friend usually makes me feel better. However, I have discovered that my grad school-related problems defy all attempts at resolution by talking about them.

Whenever my family members or friends ask how classes are, I try to cut off the line of conversation with a “same as always” or “fine”- and usually this, combined with the abruptly emotionless tone that my voice takes on, is enough to cause them to move on to new subjects. But maybe once every other week, my mom pushes the subject a little further and asks more specific questions, which inevitably makes me start crying…and I detest crying.

This is one problem I can’t fix by ranting. No matter how unhappy I am, I have to finish this semester of classes and probably will have to stay through until my degree is complete, and dwelling on the matter just makes me more depressed. I’m sick of my own feelings of intellectual inadequacy and of not finding many people with whom I can carry on a conversation, much less start up an actual friendship. But, the best I can do is just shut myself down when these thoughts come up- deaden all emotion and hope it’s enough to keep me going. I just wish people would stop asking me how things are going with school, because the answer isn’t changing and I hate talking about it.

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