Trying to be a robot.
I’ll admit that I usually like to vent about things that are bothering me. Airing it out to my mom, sisters, or a good friend usually makes me feel better. However, I have discovered that my grad school-related problems defy all attempts at resolution by talking about them.
Whenever my family members or friends ask how classes are, I try to cut off the line of conversation with a “same as always” or “fine”- and usually this, combined with the abruptly emotionless tone that my voice takes on, is enough to cause them to move on to new subjects. But maybe once every other week, my mom pushes the subject a little further and asks more specific questions, which inevitably makes me start crying…and I detest crying.
This is one problem I can’t fix by ranting. No matter how unhappy I am, I have to finish this semester of classes and probably will have to stay through until my degree is complete, and dwelling on the matter just makes me more depressed. I’m sick of my own feelings of intellectual inadequacy and of not finding many people with whom I can carry on a conversation, much less start up an actual friendship. But, the best I can do is just shut myself down when these thoughts come up- deaden all emotion and hope it’s enough to keep me going. I just wish people would stop asking me how things are going with school, because the answer isn’t changing and I hate talking about it.
